Imposter Syndrome
“Then B.I. said, ‘Hov remind yourself, nobody built like you. You designed yourself.” - The Goat
Sometimes you just need a gentle reminder about who you are. Facing writer’s block, I polled the audience over on Instagram about today’s subject. Not surprisingly, I didn’t get many responses back (evidence of how much I don’t care about engagement on a day-to-day basis). I ended up logging in to Evernote and reading over entries I made from 2010-2013. Let me tell you something, I have been doubting myself heavily through this whole process, but I was laughing at those entries like I didn’t write them myself and knew exactly what happened in every post.
It’s called imposter syndrome, loosely defined as self-doubt and feeling like you’re a fraud. I haven’t believed that I’m a writer in years, even though the evidence is documented in multiple corners of the internet, on hard drives, and in a stack of journals piled high on my bookshelf. Fun fact, I’ve written an entire documentary and at least two poetry books, and part of a novel (unpublished because of this syndrome).
So do I feel like a fraud? Yes. I feel like I’ve been a fraud to myself and my abilities. I also have noticed that one thing that I didn’t have back then was shame. I didn’t hold back. I mean, I changed names to protect both the guilty and innocent, but I was honest about life in an ugly way. I think the rise of social media caused me to develop shame. I want to rid myself of that.
We work so hard to curate these images of ourselves. The more pictures I posted, the fewer words I thought of about them. I focused on developing imagery so much that I completely stopped. The truth behind a lot of my ‘curated’ photos is lost. Some of them may look fantastic, but you don’t hear about the frustrations, the hot mess mom, the eldest daughter depression, the hopeless romantic that couldn’t point out a man’s red flags if she got hit in the face with them.
Being honest with the world back then allowed me to be honest with myself in the most humorous ways that I could find. All that being said, I think I’m going to continue “Throwback Thursday” so you lovely readers can get a glimpse into the early 20s me. The 10-year challenge, but with words. I’m also going to practice storytelling as I used to, candid and without the confines of worrying about whatever negative things people will think of me. Thank you January 10th for this breakthrough.