Early Rising
I often wonder if early rising is the key to unlocking my success. Since I’ve had my daughter I’ve struggled with time management. If I don’t start my day early enough, my mind presumes it’s a complete wash, and I don’t end up accomplishing anything. I also struggle with dissociating, for me that looks like mindlessly scrolling through my phone all day to keep my mind off of the fact that I’m not completing tasks. I didn’t know what that was, or that I was doing it until I started group therapy in 2019. I also didn’t realize that I’ve been dissociating since I was a child, it looked different before the internet.
Back then, I’d spend hours in my room reading book after book. Ignoring whatever my parents and siblings wanted me to do because my home felt overwhelming. With three siblings, things felt chaotic. I never liked the pull of “play with me”, always opting to spend my time solo, unless it involved spending time with my core group of friends on whatever adventures we could find. I sought solace in my room. As I got older, my number of friends significantly decreased down to one, my bestie. We’re still friends twenty years later. I’ve made lots of relationships over the years, but they ebb and flow, strengthen and fade… My best friend remains constant. I spend my days tackling a full time job, and full-time motherhood. The pull of “play with me” no longer comes from siblings, but from a young child. It feels me with guilt when I don’t have the energy to play, so I set timers every so often to make sure I check the box.
Anyway, it’s almost seven am on a Sunday and I can see the sun peeking through the blinds. I almost picked up my phone and started scrolling, but figured this would be the perfect time to get what I needed off of my mind. The theme of my life has always been feeling like I never have enough time to get things done, but I know I do. I just need to adjust a few habits, like not telling people that I’m not a morning person for one. Small, but effective. I am a morning person. I said it to myself when I woke up today and instead of rolling over and closing my eyes again, I got up. I want to seize the day more, maybe take pictures that I can add to these entries since this is supposed to be me finding my way back to creativity. I used to have so many ideas, and they faded with life and adulthood. I’ve known what it feels like to be lost for so long, that I’m nervous about what finding myself again looks like. It has to be something good though, right?