Dear Diary: Depression Edition

I don’t have many words to write presently. What I do have, is a disease with a crippling pendulum swing. There wasn’t a reason. Today was a fairly good day. Nevertheless, I came home and felt despondent, so I decided to lean into it, rest, and do nothing. I think I need to clean and organize all the laundry, and since I can’t seem to manage it on my own, I’ll hire someone to come in and do it for me.

Outsourcing is the stuff of dreams. It allows me to focus on what matters while someone else focuses on what’s overwhelming. Some things that I outsource are cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, and cooking when I can squeeze it into the budget. It makes my life easier on the hard days. The problem is recognizing when I’m transitioning and scheduling everything before it’s too late, like now. This new home is bigger than my little apartment. It’s deceiving in that way, and hard to notice things piling up. There’s so much space that I still feel like I have room to work.

I’m also angry about little things, like not having dining room chairs. And so I don’t even look at my dining room table because the area doesn’t feel finished. I have small habits develop, like using a TV tray as a coffee table because I haven’t found one that I like yet. Visually, it bugs me but it’s functional so I leave it there. Moving boxes still being packed gives me anxiety too, but I’m only one person and I have to find the perfect place for everything so it will take time. I was able to get a sofa table with cubes so that’s a step in the right direction.

Now that I’ve gotten it off of my chest here’s a revised list of things I need:

• more storage furniture

• a coffee table

• a desk

• lamps/lighting

• a rug

My dad used to tell me that I wouldn’t have clutter if everything had a place. I’m working on parsing down items in my life so everything will fit in the space that I have. I think it’ll make me less anxious when I’m in my home, but for now, I have to make the best of what I have.